Have you ever wondered why we act the way we do in relationships? The way we respond to certain actions from our partner, our expectations towards a partner, down to the traits we were too reluctant to show; they were all molded from what we learn in our past relationships. You could say that our early relationships provide some kind of template for how our current relationships may unfold.
The way we experienced relationships in our early lives, romantic one or not, creates an internal working model for how we view relationships throughout our lives. In other words, our past relationships affect everything from our ideas of a relationship, who we choose as a partner, to how we are likely to interact with them. We may also unconsciously choose partners whose own attachment styles complement or mesh with ours.
For example, do you believe you are better off not depending on others and taking care of yourself? Do you think being clingy is totally fine? Or do you believe the opposite, that distance is required to keep a steady and healthy relationship going?
The thing is, we often perceive people as reflections of our past; assuming they will think and behave in certain ways or patterns. And speaking from personal experience, I can vouch for that. Enrolling in a three years long relationship with my ex indeed has made me learn certain things about what I should do and what I shouldn't. To my advantage or disadvantage, this has unconsciously shaped a pattern in the way I express love and receive affection, thus expecting my next partner to act the same since I'm used to it.
One thing in mind is that not all people act the same way as others. But, expecting your partner to behave a certain way is a normal thing, especially when you have caught up with your partner for quite some time. Because you've carried out that 'love model' for a long time, you rarely realize that it may not work as effectively as your previous relationship. Willing to compromise to work out things is one thing, but staying true to who you are and shamelessly loving someone the way you love is no sin.
All in all, allowing our past to consume us emotionally doesn't work, but neither does burying the past and pretending like it doesn't affect us. What works best is adapting and creating a new clearer narrative by having a good conversation with your current romantic partner.
(HAI/alm)